To The Ones Who’ve Stayed…

There’s one thing that has helped me more than anything else in this journey of mental illness- a good, solid support system.

That’s right friends- this post is for you.

When you’re in the depths of depression hell, it can feel lonely and isolating. Anxiety and depression lie to you constantly- they tell you that no one really cares about you, that no one would even notice if you were here or not, that you’re just annoying everyone all the time. My illnesses continue to tell me these lies and more, regularly with such strong intensity that it can be difficult to ignore at times.

Thankfully, I am so incredibly lucky to have so many amazing people in my life. I wish I could name everyone individually, but I hope that these generalizations get the point across, and I hope that I have already thanked you in person.

To my coworkers- I couldn’t ask for a better team of people to work with. Thank you for your support during my time off and return to work. Thank you for caring for me when I had to be a patient. Thank you for putting up with my anxiety-ridden, nonstop questions (especially when I’m at triage and turn into a mega bitch- LOL).

To my Freedom Studios family- thank you for giving me a safe place to go where I can just be myself and do something I love without fear of judgment. Thank you for welcoming me back with open arms after missing 6 weeks of classes. Thank you for fostering an environment where positivity and confidence are overwhelmingly present.

To my family- thank you for fighting this fight by my side, even though I was reluctant to let you in. Thank you for sitting at my side for every early morning ECT treatment, and signing me out for day/weekend passes. Thank you for looking after my house and my pets when I was unable to.

To the ones who took the time to come visit me in hospital, sometimes even more than once- you have no idea how your presence made my days so much better. Thank you for driving from out of town to see me. Thank you for taking time out of your busy lives to spend a couple of hours or an afternoon with me.

To the ones who’ve reached out via text, message, phone, etc.- thank you for your support in this journey. It means so much to me that you would take the time to send me a kind, supportive, encouraging message. Please know that every single one of these means the world to me.

And most importantly, to the ones who’ve stayed- thank you for staying by my side through it all. Thank you for listening to my darkest thoughts, for answering the midnight crisis phone calls, and for always responding to my texts for help. Thank you for holding my hand in hospitals. Thank you for letting me cry on your shoulders. Thank you for letting me express my thoughts and feelings without freaking out and making me go to the hospital every time. You are the reasons that I am still alive today.

Having mental illness is exhausting. But it’s important for us to remember that being friends with, or supporting someone with a mental illness can also be exhausting. I can’t imagine the anxiety I may have caused some of my friends and family during the darker periods of my illness. Please know that it’s okay for you to take a step back, to say that you need to focus on your own mental health and wellbeing. I appreciate everything every one of you do to help take care of me, but more than anything, I want you to take care of yourselves too.

Thank you again, from the bottom of my heart.

Love, Katey.

“Like a Cardioversion for your Brain,”- My Experience with ECT.

“Like a cardioversion for your brain,” was what a friend told me when I first told her that the psychiatrist had mentioned the possibility.

Yup. I’m talking about ECT- electroconvulsive therapy, or “shock therapy” as it’s colloquially known.

One of the most controversial and stigmatized treatments for depression and other mental illness.

To start off, for those of you who don’t already know, a cardioversion is performed when someone’s heart is in an abnormal rhythm, with the intent to “shock” it back to normal. It’s a fairly simple procedure, performed under anesthesia. It generally only takes a few minutes. I’ll save you the long drawn out explanation, but it’s pretty successful at restoring a normal cardiac rhythm and the person continues on with their life as normal.

ECT works similarly on the brain. It can help reset some of the chemicals that transfer messages through the pathways of the brain and assist in correcting the biochemical changes that occur in the brains of people with mental illness. Of course, this is putting it rather simply- the full effects and mechanism of action of ECT on the brain and how it works to improve symptoms of mental illness are largely unknown, as with many medical interventions, particularly those to do with the mind. The brain is pretty complex, y’all.

Now I’m not a mind reader, but I’m pretty sure I can imagine what image first pops into your mind when I say ECT. It’s probably in black and white, and probably set in the 1950’s or earlier. Rest assured- while they do in fact induce a seizure through electrodes on your temples, it is done under anesthesia with a sedative and paralytic. This means the seizure activity is barely noticeable, mostly just a few muscle twitches and the brain waves on the ECT monitor. There’s no restraints tying you down as your body thrashes against the bed. Like really guys, they let your family/support people watch if you/they want to.

ECT is mainly performed on people with treatment resistant depression, that is, depression that hasn’t responded to medications or traditional psychotherapy. It can also be used in the treatment of bipolar mania and schizophrenia. It has a 60-80% success rate in achieving remission in those with treatment resistant depression (you can’t see me, but I’m over here raising my hand- this is where I fit in!)

When I was admitted to hospital I had already tried eight different antidepressants in various combinations over a period of five years. While I was in hospital, I tried medications nine, ten, and eleven with little to no improvement. My psychiatrist believed that ECT was a good option for me at this time. I was terrified- that same black and white image from the 50’s popping into my mind. But I was also desperate for something to work so I could get back to my life.

My first treatment was around the middle of November, approximately two months into my admission. I remember being TERRIFIED. “What if I end up needing to be intubated due to a reaction to the anesthesia?”, “What if I’m part of the small percentage of people who have major side effects?”, “What if I lose my memory and can never do my job again?” – these were all the (mostly) irrational thoughts that ran constantly through my head. Luckily my parents are amazing, supportive people and my dad was there at 6:30 am to keep me company throughout the entire experience.

Now the actual event was pretty anticlimactic considering I was knocked out the whole time. The anesthetic burned my arm badly. I remember saying “ouch” and then my face and body felt funny. And then I woke up as they were wheeling me out of the room into recovery where I hung out for a bit until they deemed me “awake enough” to go back to the ward.

I was pretty lucky that my side effects were very minimal. After the first treatment, the headache and muscle pain was so bad it was almost intolerable. Luckily there exists a magical drug called Toradol which they can give you pre procedure and would kick those symptoms in the butt. I had a lot of grogginess and would usually sleep most of the day after treatment. Some of my memories from right before that time and during that time are a bit fuzzy, but for the most part there was no major impact on my memory.

So here we are now. I received 12 ECT treatments in total over a period of six weeks. And it saved my life. I was discharged from hospital three days after my final ECT treatment. I’m currently still taking an antidepressant, funny enough it’s actually the first one I ever tried back in 2013 but at a higher, more appropriate dose. There’s obviously been some ups and downs, but those of you who are close to me can see the difference in me now vs. September 2018.

It took me a while to be open about the fact that I received this treatment. I only told a select number of people at first. Many of my coworkers know now, as it has come up during casual conversation, and I am more than happy to share my experiences. There is so much being done to destigmatize mental illness and taking medication, however there is still a lot of stigma surrounding ECT. I am not afraid to say that this treatment saved my life. I wouldn’t be ashamed of saying that I needed to shock my heart back to normal, and I shouldn’t be ashamed to say the same about my brain. I’m hoping that in sharing this, I may have taught you something new, or opened your mind to different possiblities, or maybe even helped you or someone you love who is struggling.

As always, please feel free to ask me any questions you have!

Love,

Katey.

An Open Letter to People Who Judge Me Based on My Weight:

Recently, I’ve received a lot of comments about my weight, some positive, but mostly negative. Especially from people that I have to interact professionally with at work (ie, patients and family members). Now, I’m used to these comments. Of course they still get to me but most of the time I am able to ignore it and move on with my day to day life.

But it has me wondering- what do people think when they first see me?

My weight has been an ongoing struggle for most of my life. I have never really “loved myself”, although this is something I am actively working on. I’ve been on many different diet and exercise plans. I’ve lost the weight, and then gained it all back again (and then some). Depression/anxiety is a bitch of an illness when it comes to eating/weight control, and many of the medications I have been on and am currently on have affected this as well.

I am well aware that the ideal body type is not mine. It never has been, and honestly, probably never will be. I’ve grown up knowing that I should be mindful of what I eat and exercise. I do these things to take care of my body and my mind, not as a means of obtaining the “ideal body type”, although that would be nice as well.

I’m sure when people see me, the first thing they notice is my weight. This is fine, this is obvious. Maybe they think I don’t care about myself (not true). Or maybe they think that I don’t try to be healthy (also not true, though I do love a good Catherwood pizza every now and again).

However, here’s what you’re not going to notice:

Someone who fiercely cares for and loves the people in her life.
Someone who would do anything she could to help a friend.
Someone who loves her family more than anything.
Someone who is passionate about her job and loves to help people however possible.

My weight has stopped me from doing things in my life. It has stopped me from being able to go into any store and find clothes that fit properly. It has stopped me from feeling confident in my appearance. It has stopped me from these things, that, in the grand scheme of life, are largely unimportant.

But here are some things that it has not stopped me from:

It has not stopped me from doing my job, and doing my job well.
It has not stopped me from holding the hand of a patient who is dying, or embracing and comforting their family who is left behind.
It has not stopped me from doing chest compressions to help save someone’s life.
It has not stopped from recognizing signs of deterioration and intervening before someone’s condition worsens.
It has not stopped me from holding the hand of a child who is sick and terrified.
It has not stopped me from riding in the back of an ambulance with a crashing patient, giving multiple life saving medications, praying that we will make it to the city on time.

Those of you who know me, know that my self confidence in general is kind of crappy at best. There is one thing I will always say- I know I am good at my job. Some days are better than others. Some days feel impossible and some days feel like I’m a superhero. I am not confident in many things, but I know I have the knowledge, skill, and judgment to perform my job well (pulling out some nursing lingo there :P).

So to those who comment on my weight- just remember, this fat nurse is pretty damn good at saving your life when it comes down to it.