An Open Letter to People Who Judge Me Based on My Weight:

Recently, I’ve received a lot of comments about my weight, some positive, but mostly negative. Especially from people that I have to interact professionally with at work (ie, patients and family members). Now, I’m used to these comments. Of course they still get to me but most of the time I am able to ignore it and move on with my day to day life. 

But it has me wondering- what do people think when they first see me?

My weight has been an ongoing struggle for most of my life. I have never really “loved myself”, although this is something I am actively working on. I’ve been on many different diet and exercise plans. I’ve lost the weight, and then gained it all back again (and then some).  Depression/anxiety is a bitch of an illness when it comes to eating/weight control, and many of the medications I have been on and am currently on have affected this as well. 

I am well aware that the ideal body type is not mine. It never has been, and honestly, probably never will be. I’ve grown up knowing that I should be mindful of what I eat and exercise.  I do these things to take care of my body and my mind, not as a means of obtaining the “ideal body type”, although that would be nice as well.

I’m sure when people see me, the first thing they notice is my weight. This is fine, this is obvious.  Maybe they think I don’t care about myself (not true). Or maybe they think that I don’t try to be healthy (also not true, though I do love a good Catherwood pizza every now and again). 

However, here’s what you’re not going to notice:

• Someone who fiercely cares for and loves the people in her life. 
• Someone who would do anything she could to help a friend.
• Someone who loves her family more than anything.
• Someone who is passionate about her job and loves to help people however possible. 

My weight has stopped me from doing things in my life. It has stopped me from being able to go into any store and find clothes that fit properly.  It has stopped me from feeling confident in my appearance.  It has stopped me from these things, that, in the grand scheme of life, are largely unimportant.

But here are some things that it has not stopped me from:

• It has not stopped me from doing my job, and doing my job well. 
• It has not stopped me from holding the hand of a patient who is dying, or embracing and comforting their family who is left behind.
• It has not stopped me from doing chest compressions to help save someone’s life. 
• It has not stopped from recognizing signs of deterioration and intervening before someone’s condition worsens. 
• It has not stopped me from holding the hand of a child who is sick and terrified.
• It has not stopped me from riding in the back of an ambulance with a crashing patient, giving multiple life saving medications, praying that we will make it to the city on time. 

Those of you who know me, know that my self confidence in general is kind of crappy at best. There is one thing I will always say- I know I am good at my job. Some days are better than others. Some days feel impossible and some days feel like I’m a superhero. I am not confident in many things, but I know I have the knowledge, skill, and judgment to perform my job well (pulling out some nursing lingo there :P). 

So to those who comment on my weight- just remember, this fat nurse is pretty damn good at saving your life when it comes down to it.