Return to Work

My alarm goes off at 0430. Normally I ignore it at least four times but not today. Today I’m too anxious so I’m wide awake right away. Today is March 11th- the day I’ve been waiting for for the past six months.

I hop in the shower, brush my hair, and pull it back in to my signature, two neat braids. I already know which scrubs I’m going to wear- the purple ones (my favourite colour, so it has to be good luck, right?) I pack my lunch. I’m ready wayyy too early but I mustn’t be late on my first day back.

I sit down on the couch and there’s a million thoughts racing through my head- “What if I forget how to do my job?”; “What if everyone thinks I’m completely nuts and they don’t want to work with me anymore?”; “What if I physically can’t do it because I’ve spent six months laying in bed doing nothing?”

And then I stop myself.

I’ve got the skills for this. I’ve spent five+ hours a week for seven weeks learning how to deal with these thoughts and emotions when they come up. Check the facts. Practice grounding and mindfulness. Do some quick TIPP skills for distress tolerance. Turns out it was a good thing I was up so early so I could “get my shit together” and get my emotions regulated to start the day off in a good place.

The first day was largely uneventful. I specifically planned my return to work day for a day where I wouldn’t have to triage (cue anxiety level 1000) and for a day shift (when management/extra support would be around if I needed it). I asked for an orientation day meaning that there was an extra person there.

The first day back was fine. The days that came after it, though, were exhausting. It turns out that doing absolutely next to nothing for six months and then jumping back into a job where you’re on your feet running for 12 hours is a huge shock to your system. I automatically assumed I would be fine to go back to full time hours right away- even when I was in the depths of depression hell I was still working full time with a second part time job meaning I worked almost every day. I was definitely wrong. It took me a solid 2.5 months (and another short stint in a different psych ward) to get back into a routine where I felt energetic and not constantly drained from working a single shift, let alone my normal rotation or picking up any overtime.

As I mentioned briefly above, up until I was hospitalized, I was working my full time hospital job as well as a part time clinic job. This meant that I was often working seven days a week, sometimes working both jobs in one day (upwards of 20 hours in a day by time). Looking back, I was doing this to avoid the inevitable thoughts and feelings that would arise when I would be alone and wouldn’t have work to keep my mind occupied. In fact, I worked the morning of the day that my roommate made me go to the hospital and I ended up being admitted.

When I was discharged and finished my outpatient programming, my physician would only agree to let me go back to one job. Unfortunately I had to resign from my clinic job because, although I loved it, my hospital job was full time with benefits, a pension, and paid sick/vacation time. I promised my family and many friends that I would be more responsible with my work hours and develop a better work/life balance. I still pick up the occasional overtime shift but I am no longer working every day of the week or more than 16 hours a day maximum.

So, here’s a few tips I’ve learned from my return to work experience:

• Return gradually on a modified schedule if you’ve been off on an extended leave, even if you don’t think you need it. Trust me. You probably do.
• Don’t be afraid to ask for what you need. Whether this is extra re-orientation, a few quick minutes in the break room to regroup and ground yourself, or help with something you can’t remember how to do. I promise your coworkers won’t think less of you for it.
• REMEMBER YOUR SKILLS. You didn’t waste seven weeks (or whatever your program was) of your life to forget everything when it really matters.
• Take care of yourself first.
• Don’t overwork yourself.

As always, I am so thankful for my amazing coworkers! I would not have been so successful in my return to work adventure if it wasn’t for your kindness and support in my journey. Thank you for taking the time to answer all my questions. Thank you for your constant reassurance. Thank you for giving me time when I need it to chill out (especially when I’m at triage). I am so lucky to have such an amazing team.

Love,

Katey