I wake up. For a moment things are okay. I take a few breaths, savouring the few seconds of peace. And then it starts. An overwhelming sense of impending doom. About what? Who knows. Definitely not me. My body feels like it’s vibrating. I can’t sit still. I pace around the unit, trying to exhaust the feeling inside of me. I can’t concentrate on anything.
I wake up. I can feel it already, deep inside of me. Getting out of bed feels impossible. Even breathing feels impossible. I go through the motions, hoping that something will pull me out of the darkness. All I want to do is lay in bed. Every little thing causes me to start crying. The tears won’t stop coming. I can’t concentrate on anything.
I wake up. Take the pills like a good patient. It doesn’t take long afterwards for the numbness to start. I feel like I’m trapped inside a glass box and everyone else is on the outside. I don’t feel anything. I stare out the window for hours. I fall asleep sitting up. I can’t concentrate on anything.
I’ve officially been inpatient for 3 weeks now. Above I’ve described three different scenarios that I’ve felt on a daily basis for the past three weeks. I’m either anxious/agitated, depressed/crying, or, for a few days, completely drugged to the point where I would literally fall asleep sitting up. I’ve been through this before. I know that this is my body/brain reacting to the medication changes, but it still feels out of control.
Over the past 3 weeks, I’ve seen 11 different psychiatrists/residents. I’ve had to relive and re-explain the worst parts of my life to 11 different people. It’s been incredibly emotionally draining. I’ve been to three hospitals, two emergency departments, and three mental health units. I have been told multiple different plans, and my medications have been dramatically changed since I was admitted. I’m currently on a mood disorders unit with (hopefully) my final team of professionals and a solid treatment plan.
I’ve rediscovered that being a patient is extremely difficult for me. Most of the time I’ve felt like I had no idea what was going on with my care, which causes a lot of anxiety for me. Luckily with my current team, they understood this and have told me the current plan, however there are still many unknowns- when will I be discharged? Will these medications work? When will I start to feel better? I recognize that even the physicians don’t have these answers, but it is still difficult for me. I realize that this is how my patients may feel a lot of the time, and hope that when I return to work I will remember these feelings and change my nursing practice accordingly.
Thank you to the friends and family who have tolerated my mood swings, whining/crying, and constant texting. Thank you to those who have taken time out of their busy schedules to come and see me, or even just to respond to my texts or snapchats. This experience has felt incredibly isolating and lonely by time, so I am thankful for those who have made it a bit more tolerable.
Unfortunately discharge doesn’t appear to be anywhere in the near future, but I am trying to work with my team to get better so that I can return home healthily and safely. Thank you for sharing this journey to mental wellness with me, as always I am more than happy to answer any questions.
Love, Katey.
Adventures in Adulting 